Prayers

 I was born a Buddhist, as so was my father. He is much more devout to its beliefs than I am, and thus he urges me to practice Buddhism, in the form of saying prayers every night.

When it comes to Buddhist prayers, the act is called 'puja', which is a word originating from Sanskrit. As you can likely infer, the verses are also commonly in Sanskrit as well. I've never been a good learner when it comes to foreign languages, and I never went through the process of learning to understand the actual meanings of the words in the verses. When I read the Sanskrit words off the book, I'm more so making noises than I am praying.

It may seem, that as a result, I don't like praying, and I don't often pray.

My father says that I am simply doing it wrong, that while I am mouthing foreign words, I should be thinking of their actual meanings, to believe in the power of the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha, that they will protect me and my loved ones, their virtues which I should follow, my own faults and purity...

While the words may be different, it's their meaning that matters.

Except I've never accepted their meanings either.

I cannot accept the presence of a higher power when there remains suffering in the world. To believe that gods and deities will help those who pray is to be blind and ignorant; it is to believe that the poor and the sick aren't spending every second of their life praying. If prayers really connect us to a higher power, then those we pray to are clearly apathetic at best.

Yet why do humans pray, when it is so illogical? Because it provides hope, that even in a harsh world, there is someone out there looking out for you, who will help you if you just ask; it is like a parent who will always be there for you. When you're in pain, you pray, as there is nothing else you can do; and the belief it will become better. You sell yourself a dream of a better tomorrow. To put it harshly, it is a fairytale not unlike those you would tell your toddler so they can sleep well tonight.

I find this difficult, as I have had the practice of daily praying before, yet it did nothing when my life continued to spiral downwards. The world does not change because of a few words you tell yourself. 

Hence I cannot believe in gods and deities, but that is not to say I dislike fairytales.

I do not pray to deities, the Triple Gem, or a god, but I am far from a realist for doing so. I am still a kid filled with ideals and dreams: that one day I can live a life pursuing only art, unbounded by concerns of money; that my quirks and oddities will be fully accepted by someone else; that miracles can happen, so the world is a better place; that miracles can happen in my favour as well; that even the dreams that my parents call impossible can be attained; that one day I can just be me, and that would be enough.

Even when told that this future is unattainable, I still dream of it every day and night, holding on to the hope that I can be happy with my life one day. Honestly, this is what keeps me going through another day.

Now think about it though, is this not what a prayer is? Those who pray believe god will help them, and even if god never shows up, the hope pushes them through another day. After all, you need to live life to get to the better parts, so when it gets tough, you do what you can to armor through it. And so we dream, which is honestly a wonderful trait of humans: to be able to find light and power when there is none; we use our imagination to come up with what does not exist, yet believe it so strongly it can push us to make it a reality.

So while it may not sound like praying, yes, I do pray. The words are simply different.